This is not the end. More on that later today…

Not giving up

I’ve not given up. I’m pivoting aggressively. It happens, right? The book I was working on was not happening. I couldn’t move forward and I kept going backwards. I spent time with my therapist, my wife, and just about anyone who would sit still with me to talk about it. Here’s what I’ve discovered:

Finishing Something

I’m not good at finishing things. I’m easily distracted and not just by shiny things. I get distracted by my emotions, moods, and whims, until I beat myself up for spinning off into those emotions, moods, and whims. I’m self sabotaging, but my brain also has a chemical imbalance that I’m working against. It makes it feel like everything I do is wrong or not good enough in some way. I never think I’m good enough. Even as I stood to defend my doctoral dissertation and earned my degree I felt like I failure. Even as I make my niece smile, she looks away and I feel like a failure.

I fight depression daily. I understand that I am not alone. I know that I have to fight in order to live. It wears on me. Lately with the help of my knee replacement surgery, the depression has been winning. Maybe its the mix of new medicines and the inability to go upstairs to shower or sleep in my bed that is wearing me down. When I write it down I think, yeah, maybe that is understandable for someone else, but not for me. I have to do better.

Build Confidence

I’m working on it. I’m not good at it and when I’m not good at something it bugs me. I want to be good. I’m tenacious, but only as far as my depression lets me go. It is always there reminding me how truly terrible I can be. Not good, right? I’m going to therapy, got a new med situation, and I’m trying to dig myself out of this depressive episode. That’s all it is, an episode. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a manageable manic episode to match and I’ll publish this book, I wanted to tell you about.

Write More

Last year I finished writing a book that I wanted to publish, but it was never good enough. My wife and now my therapist are on board with getting it edited and published and I’m going to do it myself. Yep, self publishing. I never do things the easy way, plus I’m not lucky enough to find the easy way. I gotta earn it or so I think. This too might be a cognitive distortion. I’ll ask my therapist.

So, that’s the plan. I’m going to dig up a book I wrote about friendship at forty, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, and a witch or two or three. Right now it is called, This Haint No Party. Its a play on the deep south “ain’t no” and word for ghost which is haint. The gist of the story is that Dani is getting married tomorrow, but first there’s a bachelorette party hosted by her closest friends. Its supposed to be a night of fun, but they end up in a bar fight and battle a ghost. Along the way the secrets they’ve been keeping from one another are exposed and they are changed forever. Its a night of fun that gets dangerous. There’s some comedy and a little romance, but don’t worry Dani will make it to the wedding on time.

Its time to write…

That’s the plan. Hang on if you’re interested. I’ll be updating my progress and plans here as well as sharing the book in pieces. I want you to buy it, so I won’t give you everything, but I will be transparent about my process. I hope it can help someone who’s trying to write and can’t or is trying to self publish.

Wish me luck!